


A Quarter Past Midnight

by Gigapoodle



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, I am such Klance trash help me, I wanted Trans Keith ok, M/M, Slow Burn, Trans Character, Trans Keith (Voltron), Trans Male Character, klance, klangst, or should i say, trans keith
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-22 22:06:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7455622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gigapoodle/pseuds/Gigapoodle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Keith found himself standing in front of a hulking blue metal lion, of all things, surrounded by a hexagonal shield like it was straight out of a straight-to-DVD sci-fi movie, he simply guffawed. If this was what the higher beings were trying to guide his hand towards, they could shove that hand up their asses.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Quarter Past Midnight

**Author's Note:**

> I was emotional and projecting and somehow I managed to vomit out 14,000 words so here you go
> 
> If you want a sappy gay space song that I listened to while writing this you can listen to it here - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcPYrPRpPTY - it's good shit I promise

There was something about the desert that called to his very being, embodying the boy with a slow, cathartic swirl of emotions, new and exciting, yet comforting and familiar. When he looked out from his lonesome shack, straight in the heart of the desert’s core, he could see an endless sea of sand, gently dancing across the landscape against the blurred blue of the night sky, painted to the ends of the universe with colored stars and planets of multiple, fainted hues.

Of course, there were other reasons that the desert called to the young man, reasons that were less tangible and harder to explain. He was searching for something, yet he was unsure of what exactly. Was it answers to his problems? _No_ , it was much more than that. It was less personal, more outworldly, what he was searching for – as if a higher being had led him to this beautiful wasteland and was slowly guiding his hand towards a true goal. Yet Keith couldn’t help but inject his own personal prophecy into the matter, higher beings be damned.

Gazing at this endless expanse usually helped Keith float away from his own problematic realities, yet as he gazed out upon this stretch of scenery in front of his new home, a sense of familiar dread clutched at him. A grudge, one that the hotheaded outcast couldn’t help but harbor deep within himself, because it reminded him of the freak of nature he truly was.

_‘Disciplinary problems’, my ass_. The Garrison had kicked him out because they found out about his secret.

And just like that, once again, Keith was alone.

\--

Shiro had been the only one he’d ever told during his time at the Garrison. When the courage had finally bubbled itself up within Keith and the loneliness of his condition became too much to bear, he found that he couldn’t speak the words to the towering man he called his friend. It was too much, and fear clamped his jaw shut like a vice. So he wrote it on a note instead, in very few words, and passed it to the man without so much as a glance.

Though his body automatically turned away from Shiro in fear of rejection, when he felt the warm embrace of his friend’s arms surrounding him, he knew he was going to be ok.

\--

He wasn’t expecting the desert to be calling him to _this_ bullshit.

When Keith found himself standing in front of a hulking blue metal _lion_ , of all things, surrounded by a hexagonal shield like it was straight out of a straight-to-DVD sci-fi movie, he simply guffawed. If this was what the higher beings were trying to guide his hand towards, they could shove that hand up their asses.

And of course, the lion found itself drawn towards the idiot in the green jacket who dared to call himself his _rival_. Keith had spent months trying to find this bastard of a hunk of metal, and it decided to open up to the dumb _cargo pilot_ , of all people.

Ah, well. At least all of this lunacy took his mind off of other matters.

\--

It only made sense for him to get the uncooperative lion.

Keith sat in his room, sharpening his knife in a futile attempt to think about things other than what Allura had told him. ‘The lion needs to accept you first,’ she uttered with an air of finesse. ‘You have to prove yourself to the red lion in order for it to accept you.’

‘No problem,’ Keith had replied almost as a reflex, shoving all of his trepidations deep down within himself and putting on the familiar mask of calm and confidence. All of the other paladins accepted his confidence without a second thought, more worried about getting their own lions in place.

Little did they know how rattled the calm and collected boy was.

He couldn’t talk to Shiro about it – not when he had just gotten out of a year of _enslavement_ , of all things, and especially not when they had other matters to attend to, such as saving the _fucking universe_ from an empire that had 10,000 years on them in terms of power. And he barely knew the other guys’ names at this point. Would the aliens even understand his problem? Maybe they’d accept him as one of their own – he didn’t understand alien culture, of course, but he sure felt like in alien in his own species sometimes.

With a twitch of rage, the knife was thrown out of Keith’s hands and into the opposite wall, and Keith found that he was grinding his teeth. A cold sweat had emerged on his forehead, threating to sheer the rest of his body.

How could the red lion accept Keith when he could hardly accept _himself?_

\--

The first time that Keith felt something other than sheer annoyance towards the blue paladin was when he saw Lance sprawled out in Shiro’s arms, unconscious and badly injured.

Coran explained to them what exactly happened – a bomb went off, and Lance had shoved him out of the way in a foolish act of brevity – and Keith understood better than the rest of them could have.

Lance had sacrificed himself because he knew how important Coran was to the mission. He’d read the situation in an instant and acted accordingly; if the crystal was blown up and Coran with it, there was no hope for Voltron, but if _he_ just blew himself up they could find a replacement Blue Paladin and all would be fine.

Keith found himself blind with rage and he vowed that he would cut down every Galran in his path for Lance. Just this once.

\--

Seeing Lance in a cryrogenic pod was unnerving, to say the least.

Keith found himself sitting in front of the pod more than he’d like to admit. After the castle siege, he was unfortunately having more restless nights than usual (which is a bad sign, considering how little rest he gets anyways), and his feet were guiding him down here instead of on the training deck, his usual go-to insomnia cure. Still a creature of habit, however, Keith was mindlessly polishing his knife, occasionally stealing glances towards the skinny boy in the pod.

There was too much silence between the two, and it made Keith squirm with unease. Normally, he constantly wished that the brown-haired paladin would shut up; now, he almost _missed_ their rivaled banter. He was just now realizing that their conversations, as stupid and mindless as they were, kept Keith out of his own head. Whereas before the desert was his solace, the place he sought when the thoughts became too much and his reality made him tense in his own skin, now Keith grounded himself within the Voltron team, and more often than not that comfort started and ended with Lance’s constant jabs.

He was probably thinking about it all too much, but how could he not? “We make a good team,” the idiot muttered, and god dammit it made Keith feel good about himself. He was the first Voltron member (sans Shiro) to truly recognize Keith for someone other than a broody outcast, and he’d said it with such earnest. Keith fully recognized that it might’ve been the deathly injuries causing him to say such an oddly nice thing, but he didn’t care. Everything about this mission showed that Lance had more layers to him than he’d ever willingly show, and if it took a couple of dangerous knocks to the head to get him to crack, than Keith was almost _happy_ that he got them. Almost.

Who the fuck did Lance think he was anyways? Sacrificing himself to save Coran and, consequentially, the universe. When (not if, _when_ ) Lance got out of this pod, he was undoubtedly going to brag about his moment of bravery, gloating, “Oh I just did it because I’m a _hero_ , please bow before me, I did it to save you all because I’m a _Defender of the Universe, after all_ ,” and everyone would roll their eyes and move on. But Keith knew that wasn’t the truth. Lance jumped in front of that bomb because he saw himself as the most replaceable member of Voltron. Lance would never mention it to anyone – he had an image (a stupid one, but an image nonetheless) to protect, and the stubborn asshole would never show a vulnerability if he could aptly hide it. Keith could see it though. As clear as day, Keith understood, and he fucking hated the Blue Paladin for being so stupid.

Keith’s finger slipped and a drop of blood ebbed out of a point on his thumb.

“You’re a jackass, Lance.”

\--

Lance could pretend he ‘forgot’ about their bonding moment all he wanted, Keith knew that he knew, and Keith also knew that he was just trying to uphold his image. So he let it slide, begrudgingly, because as dumb as Lance’s ‘image’ was, Keith was portraying his own false image of cool collectedness, and he wasn’t feeling like being a major hypocrite today. 

Their jabs were much less venomous these days. Instead, that venom was replaced with a sense of comraderie, one that Keith had been sorely missing in his life. (He had that sense with Shiro, yes, but this was different, less serious and, dare he say, more fun?) Of course, there were still moments where Lance was a fucking _idiot_ and Keith couldn’t help but snap at the paladin, but Lance seemed like he almost thrived on Keith’s anger at times, as if it fueled the adrenaline that came with his bad decisions.

“Just you wait,” Lance purred over the intercom, eyebrowing Keith on the screen as his lion shot down another ship. “One of these days this idiot is gonna be your knight in shining armor, and you’re gonna be throwing roses at my feet.”

“Why does it have to be roses?” Hunk interjected, oddly at peace considering the galactic warfare they were currently engaged in. “Why can’t it be, like, tulips? Those are prettier.”

A groan from the smaller green paladin. “Where would he even get the flowers from? The closest thing to flowers we’ve seen in the last few months were those weird carrot-shaped plants that Coran found that ended up tasting like cheddar, and those definitely don’t count.”

“The point _is_ ,” Lance interjected, stopping Pidge’s train of thought, “That one day Keith-y boy is going to regret all of those times he made fun of me. Just you wait.” Another eyebrow wiggle, directed pointedly at Keith.

The red paladin found himself redder than usual. “Shut up, idiot.”

\--

Despite what everyone thought, Keith had hobbies, and his favorite one was drawing.

Of course, he would never outright _say_ that, but he wasn’t secretive about it either. All of the paladins had caught him sketching one thing or another at some point, but most assumed he was just doodling away his free time. They weren’t wrong, necessarily; but drawing helped to bring a certain clarity to his mind, helped him to convey thoughts and emotions that he struggled to say with words alone.

Tonight he found himself on one of the upper stardecks, sitting against a metal wall, gazing out into the endless cosmos and absentmindedly drawing. He wasn’t focused on anything in particular, just sketching whatever his hand felt like picturing at that moment in time. Though space technically had no color to it, the darkness of the void combined with the speckles of color that emitted from various stars and planets created a smooth, yet grainy landscape that reminded Keith of the desert, his old home. _For this was his new home now_ , he reminded himself, _and all of the people here are your new family._

The soft squeak of a shoe scraping against the metal ground signaled to Keith that he had company. Wearily, his hand grasped his bayard as he turned around to face the intruder.

Oddly enough, it was Pidge who had found him up here, and without hesitation she clamored over towards the red paladin and leaned against the wall next to him. Before this Voltron business, Keith would’ve been bothered by her invasion of his personal space, but as time went on he found that he enjoyed his fellow paladin’s company more and more, quirks and all.

“What’re you up to?” She started casually, yet there was a tension to her words. Clearly she had come here with purpose.

His hand let go of the bayard and gripped his writing utensil (Pen? Could he call this Altean instrument that?), and began sketching absentmindedly once more. “Keeping my mind off of things,” he uttered, his gaze returning to the sea of stars.

“Usually you train when you need a distraction.” Typical, she could read him like a book.

He grunted in response. “Training’s what I do when I want to push my thoughts away.” There was silence for a few moments as Keith tried to find the words to express his feelings. He was never good at speaking his thoughts. “This is what I do when I’m not sure how to feel about them.”

She nodded mutely, fiddling her thumbs.

Minutes passed in silence, with Pidge awkwardly fussing with her clothing and Keith paying her little mind. She was here for something, that much he was certain, but he wasn’t up for pushing the information out of her. She was the type that would come forth with her intentions soon enough, if you gave her enough space and time. Besides, space was beautiful, the ship was calm, and he was experiencing one of the few slow moments that the paladins got. The serenity was nice.

“I know your secret.”

The suddenness of the comment made Keith flinch automatically, his hand stalling. Flashbacks ran though his mind like blurred razors – _the Commander’s office, ‘we don’t accept people like you here at the Garrison,’ ‘you’re a freak of nature,’ ‘GET OUT!’ running, tears blinding his vision, ‘you can’t kick me out! This is all I HAVE!’_ –

 “Maybe I shouldn’t have phrased it like that, I’m sorry Keith, but listen – “

“ _How?_ ” He was visibly choked up at this point, frozen in place, his muscles threatening to burst from his skin with how tense he was. Reality was threatening to slam him like a gavel and he wasn’t prepared for it.

Tentatively, Pidge reached a hand out towards the red paladin, causing him to visibly retract. She withdrew, her face crestfallen.

“I-I know because….” She paused, her nerves getting to the better of her. “Because….”

Her hands reached towards the bottom of her sweatshirt, and she lifted it up forcefully before she could think any better of it. Soft white skin glided all the way up to her torso – interrupted by clothing on her chest, tight and constrictive. _A binder_.

“So you bind too.”

Her hands were clammy as she slowly dropped the sweatshirt back onto her body, draping her flattened chest so it looked like there was nothing there at all. “I know I told everyone I was a girl the other day, and that wasn’t _wrong_ necessarily, but I’ve gotten used to binding at this point. It feels right in a lot of ways.”

“You don’t have to explain it to me,” Keith uttered, still tense. He had visibly calmed down, but his inner turmoil was still flooding his thoughts with concerns. _Had she told anyone? Had she always known? If it was obvious to her, was it obvious to everyone else?_

Pidge could see the pages turning in his head and was somehow able to read them word for word. “I haven’t told anyone and it’s not obvious to people who aren’t like us, so don’t worry.” His shoulders slacked, but he gave no response. _Us_. ‘ _Different’ from them. Outsiders._

The girl sighed, sliding down the metal wall and finding herself shoulder-to-shoulder with Keith. He didn’t retract. She smiled at the progress, as small as it was. “I didn’t mean to make you nervous, I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” He turned his head away from her, unable to confront this reality head-on. “I just….” His heart was pounding in his chest, threatening to burst at any second. He knew what he wanted to say but his tongue betrayed him, leaving him silent.

“You’re not alone in this, Keith.” The darkness of space felt especially constricting at this moment. “The paladins would accept you, you know....we’re a family now, Keit-“

“And how do you know that?” His words had an edge to them, laced with anxiety and dulled by uncertainty. It was Pidge’s turn to flinch, but she wasn’t deterred.

“I just know it, ok? They accepted me when I told them. Even though Lance is an idiot, even _he_ managed to understand. And I can tell he’s trying, really hard, because he cares, just like all of us do.”

His muscles contracted again, and his eyebrows creased in thought. _That idiot_. He was the one Keith was the most concerned about finding out, and he didn’t understand _why_ , necessarily, but the idea of telling the blue asshole made his heart race with anxiety. He knew that Hunk would be ok with it, in the end, and Allura and Coran would probably chalk it up to ‘Earth culture’ (even though that couldn’t be more of a lie), but Lance, _Lance_ could actually reject him. Pidge’s experience be damned, she hadn’t experienced rejection like he had. Frankly, he was scared, and not ready for any of this.

“You don’t have to tell them now.” How was she so good at reading him?

“You won’t tell them either, right?” The weakness of the moment showed on his face, his eyes wide and his mouth slightly agape.

For the first time in what felt like forever, the Green paladin smiled, a cheeky grin that put Keith more at ease. “Of course I won’t. Though, correct me if I’m wrong, but….Shiro already knows, right?”

He glanced away. “Yeah. He does.”

“I figured.” She bumped her shoulder into his, her grin widening. “Take your time, buddy. And you always have me and Shiro to talk to. Though if you want a training buddy to vent your frustrations at, I’d suggest you go to Shiro first.”

Keith couldn’t help but smile, albeit tepidly. He knew she was right, but his instinctive fears told him to bottle it up. And he would probably keep doing that until the end of time, no matter how much it defied logic.

“I know. Thanks Pidge.”

\--

As of late, Keith found himself training with Lance more often. It made sense, naturally – the steady, long-range sharpshooter countered Keith’s hot-headed melee style and it provided the perfect opportunity for both Paladins to find the weaknesses of the other’s fighting abilities.

Usually Keith ended up besting the blue paladin, but as of late he found that they were tie-ing more often. He had to admit, Lance was getting better about exploiting his weak spots, and Keith found himself getting more and more distracted as time went on. Maybe it was the drawer within him, but he would notice small things about Lance – the way his shoulders tensed when he was aiming, the curve of the shirt over his abdomen – but Keith was staring more than he wanted to admit, and it was costing him matches.

“As tempting as it is,” Lance growled, landing a shot on the distracted paladin, “you gotta pay attention to your surroundings and not just me, princess.” His signature smirk appeared, and Keith found himself growing red.

“D-don’t get so cocky!” He blocked the next shot with ease before dashing towards Lance recklessly.

Lance rolled out of the way of Keith’s lunge, almost too easily. “You’re losing your touch, pretty boy!”

Keith felt the tips of his ears go red. “At least I didn’t gamble my lion away in an alien casino like a certain idiot that I know!”

Lance shrugged, lining up another shot. “Fair.”

Yet, despite his clear advantage, Lance found himself lowering his gun in a huff. “Let’s call this match for today, huh? I’m hungry.” Before Keith could even respond, the brown-skinned idiot was retracting his bayard and setting it down next to him.

Keith panted in frustration, throwing his bayard on the ground. His binder felt especially constricting in this environment, what with the exertion of the training and the feeling of his heart beating faster than normal and the sweat of his skin and _everything_. It was holding him back, and he hated it. “Fine. Whatever.”

He’d been in the middle of taking off his shirt, but noting the man’s frustration, Lance stopped and raised an eyebrow at him, shirt wrapped around his biceps. “You alright?”

“Peachy.” Keith noticed Lance’s state of undress and blushed furiously, refusing to make eye contact.

“You sure?” The blue paladin wrestled the rest of the shirt off, tossing it aside carelessly. “You’ve been like this for the last week. I mean, don’t get me wrong, you’re always _broody_ , but now you’re like, ultra-mega-broody.”

“Like I said, I’m fine.”

“That scowl on your face says otherwise. I mean, how can you scowl when you’ve got such a pretty face presented right in front of you-“

Something snapped within Keith’s mind, and he found himself throwing all of his power, his pent up emotions, and his hormonal imbalances into the metal wall. A dent was permanently etched into its surface, and blood was streaming down Keith’s knuckles. “ _I’m fucking FINE!_ ”

Silence.

Rationality creeped back into Keith and he knew he’d fucked up. Just like every other time something like this happened, when his emotions reared their ugly head and threatened to overtake him, he did the same thing as before – ran away from his problems.

Keith heard something along the lines of “I’m sorry” before the metal doors slammed shut behind him.

\--

It was too much. It was all too much.

Everyone in the castle knew that Keith was distraught – they could hear the screams coming from his room, the pounding of the metal (was he punching the walls?), but none dared to approach him. He was too volatile, and although the paladins had been together for quite a while, none knew quite how to approach this situation.

Except for Shiro, that is.

Nobody understood the peculiars of their relationship, but they knew that above all else, Keith trusted Shiro. So after a day of Keith’s endless torrent against the walls, they sent him in to calm the fiery paladin down.

Shiro wasn’t shocked at what he saw when he walked into the room, but it still unnerved him. There were dents scattered along the wall opposite the bed, with slits haphazardly cutting through the metal – places where he’d thrown his knife. Papers (covered in drawings, Shiro noted) were blown across the floor in a frenzy. And in the corner sat Keith, curled up into a ball and choking out sobs.

“Go away!” He screamed, not caring to look at the visitor.

“It’s just me, Keith.” The familiar voice caused Keith to seize up and snap his head towards the towering figure. He remained silent, though tears continued to flow from his eyes.

Taking initiative, Shiro strode towards the ball in a red jacket and sat down next to him. Keith didn’t move, he hardly even reacted, but Shiro knew that his presence was welcomed.

“Bad day?” Shiro started, calm with a hint of humor. Keith didn’t appreciate it.

“Bad day.” His voice was strained from the sobs.

“Tell me what happened.” A command instead of an inquiry.

Keith slowly uncurled himself from the ball, yet still elected to lay on the cold metal ground. He was tired, so tired of it all.

“I’m scared to tell them.”

He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder, full of kindness and warmth. That heat spread through his body like a rash, confusing Keith more with this new onslaught of emotions.

“We all love you, Keith. Nothing will change when you tell them.”

Red flashed in his vision and the boy found himself sitting up sharply with a hiss. “What would _you know_?” He barked, fangs fully out, before he slammed his fist on the wall. “The Garrison called me a freak! I am a freak, Shiro! They kicked me out _because_ of what I am! How would you fucking know?”

In a flash of movement, Shiro wrapped him into a hug.

“You’re right, I wouldn’t understand, and I’m sorry.” His grip tightened, and he found that Keith was shaking.

Silence washed over the room as the adrenaline ebbed out of his system, and Keith found comfort in it. Normally silence was an inhibitor for him, but at this moment, he was too tired to talk. Too tired of everything.

He knew he should talk more about it. He knew, _he knew, god damn it all_ , that he should just come out to everyone and get this over with. But it wasn’t that easy. No, he’d rather spend the rest of his life curled up in that ball than confront his own fear of reality.

Unconsciously, Shiro began rubbing circles into the boy’s back. The rhythmic pattern helped soothe Keith, taking his mind off of the pressing matter at hand. He stopped shaking and relaxed into the arms of his friend.

“I’m here for you, Keith. I always will be.”

The words registered in Keith’s head, but only barely. His exhaustion was taking over and his eyes were becoming lulled into sleep. “I know.”

\--

When he awoke, he was in his bed, covered in his sheets and an extra blanket that didn’t belong to him. How long had he been out?

Too long, he figured, and his bones ached with the inertia of oversleeping. Slowly, he threw the covers away from his body, drooping his legs over the side of the bed. The papers were cleaned up, although the marks from his tantrum still remained on the opposite wall. Keith found that he liked the marks, a symbol of his signature brashness. Fitting for the owner of the red lion. Besides, his room was too plain as it was, at least this added a little flavor.

Keith’s arms stretched above him in a yawn, in a futile attempt to shake the grogginess from his muscles. A good shower and some breakfast would properly dispel this plague, he decided, and he stood up shakily, scratching his abdomen.

He was surprised to find Lance sitting outside of his door when he finally emerged from his cave.

The brown-skinned boy looked weary, his hair greasy and his skin paler than normal. Upon seeing Keith, his body shot up like electricity, scrambling to stand up in a presentable matter.

“What are you doing here?” Keith demanded, his jaw locking in place. Hints of his conflicting emotions surfaced in his chest, and he almost felt angry about it all.

That is, until he noticed the boy’s sheepish look. _That’s a new one_. What did he have to be nervous about anyways?

“Uh,” the boy started, fidgeting with his hands. “Keith.” He crossed his arms, shoved them in his pockets, did anything but keep them still.

“That’s me.” His sleepiness hadn’t fully lifted yet, so the normal edge in his voice was absent.

“I, um.” His hands were going everywhere and his mouth was unable to form words. Was this actually Lance?

“I’m going to go shower.”

“N-no! Wait!” A hand on his bicep, and his muscles tensed. He was close, too close.

“What do you want from me?” Keith threw the hand off of his arm, taking a step back. “I’m not exactly able to understand your weirdness right now, Lance, so if you could save it-“

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry ok!” He almost yelled it with how desperate his voice sounded. It shut Keith right up.

Noting the opening, the paladin clumsily continued. “Listen, I know this is all probably my fault ok, I don’t know what exactly I did wrong but I know I did _something_ wrong because I’m an idiot, a big fat idiot, and I probably hurt your feelings in the process, and I’m sorry, I’m really really sorry, I’ve been so nervous because I thought you hated me, do you hate me? Because I don’t want you to hate me, I’ll do whatever you need-“

“You’re doing that Lance thing where you don’t know when to shut up.” Keith put his palm in front of Lance’s face, telling him to be quiet. Surprisingly, he did, and Keith felt the tips of his ears reddening once more.

He sighed. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Lance, I just had a bad day.” He rubbed his temples in exasperation, trying to barrel his way through this awkward situation. “Let’s just forget about it, ok?”

Lance’s hands continuously crossed and uncrossed, still unsure. “Yeah, but listen, I love jabbing at you and bantering with you and stuff, but if I ever actually hurt your feelings, tell me, yeah? I’ll shut right up. Promise.” One of his hands formed a shaky thumbs up. “And I don’t make promises.”

“Is it because you can’t keep them?” a sly shit-eating grin appeared on the red paladin’s face. “Now I don’t know if I should put a lot of hope into this promise, either.”

A mirrored smile cracked from Lance. “I know I’m irresistible, but I’m secretly a man with a heart of gold. There’s a lot going on here that you don’t know about.”

“Well then I look forward to finding out how much you can stuff into such a small brain.”

“Hey!”

\--

Keith was used to being alone, but this? This kind of alone hurt a lot more than it usually did.

The moment he registered what had happened – the unstable wormhole, all of the paladins being thrown out of the loop, lost connections – he admittedly had a moment of fear. But this was no time to be scared. His survival instincts kicked in and he immediately set to repairing his lion, doing what little he could to make her operational again.

Glancing out of the lion, he noticed that space looked unusually blue from this planet. Bluer than earth’s night sky. He was reminded of the desert, where the blue hue of the sky would ignite the desert on fire in shades of indigo, dancing across his feet. Amongst those sands, he saw a face, the face of a paladin who had a cocky demeanor and a surprisingly selfless attitude. The face of someone who helped distract him from his problems and make him feel human again.

Suddenly he realized that blue meant more to him than just the desert nowadays, and he knew he had to get back to Voltron, no matter the cost.  

\--

Unbeknownst to Keith, he was the last Paladin to be found after the wormhole escapade.

His arrival on the ship was cause for huge celebration. His intercom was filled with cheers and whoops and “I never thought I’d miss that mullet so much” (shut up, Lance) and when he first stepped out of his lion and onto the docking bay, who would be the first to greet him but that same blue idiot.

Keith was prepared for a lot from Lance – a friendly jib, a comment about his hair, maybe some remark about how he spent all of his time training and was now stronger than Keith – but what he wasn’t expecting was a hug.

Or at least, he loosely called it a ‘hug’ – it was more like Lance threw his body into Keith and expected him to grab him before he fell (which he did, and as much as he wanted to appear annoyed by it all, he couldn’t hide his joy).

“The mullet got longer!” The dummy exclaimed, daring to even touch his with his fingers. Keith shouldered his hand away, much to Lance’s disappointment, but he decided to use his hands to instead grip the paladin’s signature red jacket.

“See! I told you I’d be your knight in shining armor!” Lance was absolutely beaming at this point, a friendly warmth that Keith couldn’t help but feel attracted to, like a moth to the sun.

“You didn’t even do anything!” Keith was laughing, gods he was _laughing_ along, because even Lance’s stupid jokes were better than the months he had spent in isolation, wondering if he would ever see blue again.

A coy smile graced the brown-haired boy’s lips. “Yeah, well, I spent months looking for your lion, you know! I wasn’t completely helpless!”

“I’ve got sooooo many treats I want you to try, Keith!” Hunk swept the two paladins up in a bear hug, and before he knew it Keith’s cheek was pressed against Lance’s and it took all of his willpower not to explode in a flush of red.

Yet he was smiling, he couldn’t stop smiling at his _family_ , for god’s sake, missing him and greeting him so warmly. Even Lance was looking a little flustered at the intimacy, but Keith loved it all the same.

“It’s good to have you back, Keith.”

Keith’s eyes locked onto the bulky paladin’s, standing tall with his arms crossed. Shiro was smiling too.

“Shiro!” Keith wiggled his way out of Hunk’s arms and strode (maybe it was a bit of a run, but Keith would never admit that) to the black paladin, giving him a stiff but genuine hug. But then he remembered. “Shiro, I have a favor to ask.”

“Already?” He cackled, a rare sound from the man that caused blood to rush to Keith’s face. “You just got back!”

Keith was freely laughing along as well. “I know, but this is-“ –his eyes darted back and forth, making sure no one else was in hearing range- “ _private_. And a bit of an emergency.”

Shiro merely nodded, understanding completely, as he let go of the red paladin.

“My _binder_ ,” he whispered harshly, almost a hiss, “it’s falling apart after this incident….I need a new one, but I….”

“No need to say more. I’ll find a way.” A reassuring smile and a pat on the back. What did Keith do to deserve this god among men as a friend?

“But first, it’s time for celebration!” Shiro clapped his hands as a formality and ushered the paladins in the direction of the metal doorframe. “Let’s all meet in the kitchen to try Hunk’s new cake recipe.”

Keith glanced around the room, filled with joy at the realization that he was actually _home_ , but was jolted into reality when he realized a certain paladin had disappeared.

“Where’d Lance go?” He inquired towards Pidge as they meandered over to the kitchen. The short boy barely even looked up from his tablet.

“Probably in one of his multiple sulking places. He’s been doing that a lot more recently.”

“Well how about that!” Hunk chimed in, absolutely buzzing with joy. “You used to be the sulky one and Lance used to be the happy one. Now you’re the happy one and he’s the sulky one! Who’dve thunk it?”

Yeah, how about that.

\--

After hours of searching (who could blame him? The castle was huge, he’d been gone for months and he may have gotten lost once or five times), he finally found the brown-haired dummy sulking on the very same stardeck that Keith used to love sulking in. Maybe Hunk was onto something here.

Lance’s back was towards Keith, his arms wrapped around his legs and his gaze squared in on the stars before him, and he was absolutely _brooding_. Keith would’ve laughed at the irony of it all if the boy didn’t look so damn sad.

Unsure of how to proceed, Keith simply walked up to the paladin and took a seat next to him. Lance was startled and almost seemed to recoil at the sight of the mullethead before settling back into his moody state.

“I heard you were brooding and I wanted to see how the tables had turned.” It was an attempt at a joke that, shockingly, fell on deaf ears.

“This might surprise you, but I’m not in the mood, Keith.” The red paladin flinched at the bite in his words. Was Lance really that bad off?

“What happened to you?” He said, an ounce of edge dripping into his words unintentionally. He saw Lance visibly wince, and immediately tried to backpedal. “I mean, look Lance it’s fine if you’re sad, but I’ve been gone for so long and I don’t know if anything happened-“

“ _Nothing happened_.” Lance’s shoulders were so tense Keith was convinced that he could poke them with a pin and they would explode immediately. “Nothing at all.”

“Well then,” Keith coughed awkwardly. As always, the right words escaped him, and his image of confidence slowly deteriorated around him. “What’s….got you in a mood?”

“Hmph. Like I’d tell you.” Well, Keith was not expecting this sass.

“And why not me? I’d like to think I’m just as capable of helping as anyone else.”

“Oh please,” and Lance waved his hand dismissively. “You’re less capable to help me handle my emotions than a stick.”

Why did such a sentence hurt so much? He was probably right – Keith sucked with other people’s emotions, nevermind his _own_ – but hearing it from the blue paladin just downright stung. He looked away from the paladin, sheepishly with a hint of hurt, and Lance knew he had fucked up.

“I’m sorry,” he uttered, quickly but earnestly. “I shouldn’t have said that. It’s not true at all.”

“You’re not wrong,” Keith murmured, causing the paladin to look at him for the first time the entire conversation. “I’m not…..good with emotions. I never have been.”

“It’s still a lie, though, what I said.” There was a tension in the air, but neither of the paladins could pinpoint the reason for why. “I’m just lashing out. And considering this is the first time I’ve seen you in so long……” the way he said those words made Keith’s heart ache. “I’m not being a good person. I’m sorry.”

“If you tell me what’s up then we can consider ourselves even.” Typical Keith, pragmatic as always.

Lance threw his hands up in exasperation, giving into the tough conditions presented before him.

“I’m….homesick.” There was a cadence to his words, full of melancholy that Keith knew had been pent up within Lance for quite some time. “I was the first paladin to get back, you know…..and I’ve never felt so _alone_. At home, I have all of my siblings, and my aunts and my uncles and my cousins, every day was one giant mess hall of activity at my house….when I was the only one here, all I wanted to do was cry. I wanted to go home.”

Tongue-tied, Keith could only nod. Not knowing what else to do and confused by his own emotions towards everything, he clasped his hand on the shoulder of the olive-skinned boy, and when it wasn’t immediately shrugged off, he took that as a good sign.

He tightened his grip for a moment, encouraging Lance to continue.

“Even though I miss Earth, so much, I have….realized that you guys are like, my home away from home. My new family. But then everyone disappeared, and I had no idea if we were ever going to find you guys, and it took _so long_ to find you Keith, it took months, I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to get my family back…..” Keith didn’t have to look to know that tears were ebbing in the blue paladin’s eyes.

Unsure of what to do, and pragmatic to a fault, Keith stole a tactic that had been used on him before in a similar situation; he began to rub circles into Lance’s shoulder, hoping the rhythm of the motion would calm him down. Lance didn’t seem to notice the transition, but his body noticeably calmed down.

“Well I’m back, Lance.” Keith assured, continuing his circular motions. “It was hard for me too. I didn’t have any contact with you guys for so long….I was confident you had all forgotten about me. Or something to that nature.”

“What? We would never forget you!” Lance was appalled at the statement, his gaze locking onto Keith’s with a startling passion. “We never stopped searching, even when it seemed hopeless. You’re family, Keith, and I don’t leave behind family.”

The serious expression on Lance caused Keith to chuckle, with a ring that brought a flash of warmth to the chilled atmosphere. Maybe their roles really were switching after all.

“Don’t laugh at me!” Lance was visibly flushing from the tips of his ears all the way down to his chest. It looked, dare he say, _cute_.

“You don’t get to laugh at me, you dumbass! Not after _I_ gallantly strode up to you, your knight in shining armor, and then you fuckin ditched me for _him_ -“

“Huh?”

“Huh?”

There was a lot of confusion and nervous looks, needless to say. Completely flustered, Lance shoved his hoodie over his face, screaming almost wildly.

“I said nothing! I said nothing! I said nothing! I’m gonna go eat some of that leftover cake! Thanks for the talk!”

Keith swore he’d never seen Lance run so fast in his life. And he was screaming the entire way out.

What the hell was he talking about, anyways? What did Lance have against Shiro? Of course Keith was going to be excited about seeing Shiro, who wouldn’t be?

Ah, well. At least he’d helped, right? _I think?_

\--

In a rush between training, dinner, and more training, Keith had elected to tie his mullet up into a ponytail.

He didn’t usually do this, because he was insecure about his identity and having it up in such a manner didn’t help that, but he was in a rush and it was convenient at the time. So up in a ponytail it was.

The only paladins in the kitchen at the time were Lance and Allura. Lance was jokingly flirting with Allura when he walked in, much to her displeasure, and Keith paid it no mind as he set himself up a plate of green goo ‘food’.

He only noticed that they had stopped talking after he sat down with his plate. Looking up from his food, he was greeted with blank stares, Lance’s in particular being quite amusing.

“What?” Keith muttered, completely oblivious. Had he grown a third head or something?

“Your hair.” Allura stated, quite bluntly. “It’s….”

“…up.” Lance almost seemed frozen in place.

“I have a busy day. It’s just hair.” Paying them no mind, he continued to wolf down his goo as quick as possible so he could get back to training.

The only thing that took him out of his caloric concentration was a note, folded in half and slid under his nose. With a quiet gasp, Keith gingerly grabbed the note and unfolded it, his eyebrows quirked in concentration.

_Your hair looks good like that_.

When he looked up to find the culprit, he saw an Allura with a shit-eating grin and a Lance exiting the room with a flush on his face.

\--

“You like it?”

Keith examined the new garment with awe, completely floored. This new binder was _much_ more flexible than his previous one, making training undoubtedly easier, and it was made with softer fabric as well. Keith wasn’t one to show emotion, but he couldn’t hide his joy over this.

“It’s perfect,” he uttered, clenching the fabric against his chest. “Where did you-“

“Doesn’t matter,” Shiro hastily commented, ruffling Keith’s overgrown hair. “All that matters is that you’re comfortable with it.”

Keith grinned. “What did I do to meet such a nice person as you.”

Shiro pulled the shorter man into a hug. “Well whatever it was, the mullet didn’t help.”

“Shut up,” Keith grimaced, with no bite to his words. He accepted the hug with grace and familiarity, happy to find affection somewhere in his life.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a flash of blue stomp away in a huff, but he payed it no mind.

\--

“Hey, Hunk?”

The dark-skinned man leaned over a control pod, tinkering with its wires.

“Whatcha need, Keith?”

“I, uh,” the boy hesitated, his fingers tracing the bottom of his jacket. “I need to tell you something.”

Hunk sat up from his experiment, lifting the goggles from his eyes onto his forehead. “Sure, go right ahead.”

Keith, all anxiety and nerves, leaned against the couch next to him, and stared at the zipper at the bottom of his jacket. He bit his lip and closed his eyes.

“I’m, uh, I was born a girl. I’m a boy but I, uh, I know that I’m actually a dude, and uh, yeah.”

He refused to open his eyes until he heard the sound of a wrench clanking against the floor.

The next thing he knew he was in the middle of one of Hunk’s bear hugs, having the life squeezed right out of him.

“You’ve always been a dude in my eyes. This doesn’t change anything. You were and you are Keith, yknow?”

Keith wanted to cry.

\--

Just as he had felt a higher being tugging him towards the desert long ago, he now felt a similar feeling rocketing him towards the robot, hulking and full of the ability to kill Keith with a flick of his wrist.

It was simple, really. The paladins had been taking care of Galra fleetships, shooting them down one by one, when the robot snuck behind them all and barreled towards the planet full of innocent aliens. Snuck behind all of them except for Keith, that was.

The most agile of the group, he quietly slipped away and flew in front of the robot, blocking its path. He knew exactly what he had to do, and he wasn’t about to alert the other paladins in on his plan, lest they interject and ruin the entire thing.

His cannon began charging, and the robot was barreling at him, not a sense of hesitation in sight. According to his scanners, his weak spot was his mouth; the only way to take the robot down was to knock out his power source there. And that meant he had to take this hit.

“Where’d Keith go?” Pidge questioned over the intercom, a confused young boy appearing on Keith’s screen. He gripped his controls tighter and ignored the message.

“Yeah, actually, where _did_ you go? Keith?” Hunk looked visibly concerned. “Knock knock, where’s Keith?”

The cannon was almost ready, and the robot was closing in. This wasn’t the time to back out now.

“Earth to pretty boy, we could use some assistance over-“

“ **KEITH!** ” The white-haired boy’s howl silenced the rest of the paladins. “What are you doing? Are you trying to get yourself killed?”

Keith had no comment. Hopefully they’d understand, if not now.

“What’s he doing?” Hunk’s natural sense of worriedness overcame him once more. “Where’s Keith?”

“He’s over there! In front of the –what the-“

“Pull away from this, Keith! I command you to get away from that robot!”

Usually, Shiro’s command would force Keith’s hand into formation. But not this time. If he moved, the robot was going to crash into the planet and kill everyone there. There wasn’t enough time for a backup plan. It was him or them.

“Keith! Get away from that thing! It’s going to kill you if you don’t move!” The brown-haired boy’s portrait appeared on his screen, and he looked downright disturbed. Sweat caused his locks to stick to his forehead, and it dripped down his face at a quickening pace. Most concerning of all, he looked _heartbroken_.

“I’m sorry,” was all Keith could utter, and he closed the monitor.

“NO! KEITH! DON’T DO THIS-“

‘ _Cannon charge at 100%_.’

Better him, the freak of nature, than a bunch of innocent aliens.

In a flash, a cannon was fired, and a lion was pummeled into submission.

Two pieces of metallic junk floated in space, eerily quiet. One was a Galra mechanism, destroyed beyond repair. The other was a feeble red lion, crumpled dangerously, with barely a sign of life emitting from it.

\--

He should’ve been dead.

For all intents and purposes, that robot should have killed him on the spot.

Keith wasn’t sure if he was in heaven, hell, or something in between, but what he did know was that whatever state he was in, he kept seeing glimpses of friends, like some sort of ethereal cloud of hope blurring his vision.

The first thing he remembered after the crash was the sight of Shiro, holding his body and running for dear life.

The second thing he remembered was the pale faces of Coran and Pidge, exchanging words of dread. “He’s not going to make it.”

The third thing he remembered was face of the blue paladin, staring back at him, eyes full of tears, screaming.

Oddly enough, that was also the fourth, fifth and sixth thing he remembered, only the more recent memories had placed a blue barrier between the two.

Reality tied itself around Keith’s fingers like a ribbon, occasionally tightening and slipping at will. Sometimes the silk would fall through his fingers, and he was sure that the visions would finally end. Other times it would tighten, and he would see pictures of his friends before him, bright and joyful, emitting a sense of life into the red paladin.

Today the ribbon was tight enough that Keith was allowed to play with it, if only for a short time.

When his eyes finally opened, they saw the same thing his memories had replayed in his head over and over again; a disheveled Lance, leaning against the stair next to the pod, sobbing.

He couldn’t tell much from his position, and his injuries caused Keith’s vision to be murky, but he could see that Lance was a mess. Hair sticking up in more directions than usual, dried blood coating his knuckles, a sheen of sweat covering his entire body. Why was Lance doing this to himself?

“ _Why did you do it_ ,” A sob, caked with dried phlegm and misery, lifeless against his lips. “ _You fucking idiot! Why did you sacrifice yourself like this…._ ” He punched the ground, more blood erupting from his already-dead knuckles.

Months ago, their roles were reversed. Lance, of all people, should understand why Keith did what he did – he was replaceable, a freak of nature, and if someone should have gone, it was him.

\--

The next time the ribbons granted him life, he saw something rather jarring.

Lance, looking even _worse_ for wear, was screaming at Shiro, throwing fists in any direction.

_“This is your fault, Shiro!” He was screaming, unable to control himself, with Shiro barely able to hold Lance at bay._

_“Listen, Lance, I know it’s hard-“_

_“Fuck you, Shiro! He **loved** you and you let him try to kill himself! YOU DID THIS! THIS IS YOUR-“_

_“I tried just as hard as everyone else, and you know that-“_

_“I can’t believe you! I’ll never trust you again!”_

And darkness swallowed him whole once more.

\--

Finally, the ribbons slid off of his fingers and wrapped around his heart. He was granted the gift of reality.

When Keith woke up, his entire body felt like it had been beaten to a pulp. Every joint in his body, every fibre of his being, groaned under the weight of his near-death experience. Never before had Keith felt so much pain in his life.

The pod, sensing his awakening, slid open without warning and Keith’s knees collapsed on him.

“Ah!” Was all he could say before his body lay crumpled on the ground, his face contorted in pain. White hot heat flashed in his eyes, and he screamed, his senses threatening to overload at any second.

When the ringing in his ears stopped and the white in his eyes faded into color, all he could see was the brown-haired boy holding him in his arms, bleary-eyed, crack-lipped, and overjoyed.

He had _stubble_. Small patches of brown hair across his jawline. Oh god.

“ _You’re alive!”_ The boy was crying again. Had he ever even stopped?

Lance threw his head into Keith’s bruised chest, causing him to cry out in pain. Everything ached, both from lack of movement and too much of it at the same time. Lance didn’t care. He eased up slightly, but he still clung to Keith’s beaten chest like a ragdoll.

His chest. Wait.

Did Lance figure out?

There was too much going on in Keith’s head. The pain, the confusion, the sorrow and the joy. But despite all of that, he managed to ease his head up and observe himself, a reassurance. He had a shirt on. And it was flat.

_Thank the gods_ , Keith whispered, like fervent gospel. And that was the last thing he remembered before it all went blue. Blue, instead of black. This time, he knew he was alive.

\--

This time, he was on a bed, surrounded by figures.

His lack of awareness meant that he was unable to associate each figure with their corresponding names (Had Hunk gotten bulkier? Had Pidge grown taller?), but he knew the group nonetheless.

“Guys, he’s awake.”

Quiet gasps, heads turning, gentle fingertips against his arm.

“Keith….” That voice. It was Shiro.

His lips (dry, cracked, tasted like iron) tried to form words, but failed. Not from a lack of words, but from a lack of ability to do so. He was so tired, so so tired.

So instead he smiled, barely, a small crinkle at the corner of his mouth. And they all knew.

Keith was going to be ok.

\--

His recovery was long, slow, and _boring_.

Most of his days were spent in bed (they’d finally allowed him to move to his own room, thank god), skimming various texts (though he didn’t have any idea what they said, being alien and all), and sharpening his knife. At this point it could probably cut through human bone, it was so polished and slick. Keith didn’t want to think about that possibility.

He wasn’t allowed to move much. It pained him, deep in his soul, to be so inactive and _useless_ , but when his body groaned in protest against a movement too harsh, too sudden, he knew he didn’t have much of a choice.

His recovery was almost becoming routine amongst the other paladins. Hunk would bring him breakfast and make idle chatter about the plans for the day. Coran would check on him throughout the day, renewing his bandages and checking on his overall wellbeing. Occasionally he would rant about how uncooperative a certain civilization was being, or how the Voltron team didn’t value his skills as a cook, or whatever, but Keith didn’t mind. It broke the tedium of doing nothing. Pidge would come in from time to time and talk, sometimes bringing in her new robot friends, showing off their weird advanced technologies (did that robot just _bark_ at him?). Allura stopped by at dinnertime and explained to him the texts he earnestly and pitifully failed to understand. Shiro would stop in near the end of the day and ask about his condition, but he never stayed long. Something about him was more rigid, more distant. Keith was too exhausted to ever ask.

Lance didn’t ever make scheduled appearances, mostly because he was always there anyways. It seemed like any break that Lance had, hell even if he _didn’t_ have one, was spent in Keith’s bedroom, doing absolutely anything and nothing at all. He’d since shaved and cleaned up, though his hair was longer and shaggier, and he seemed to have permanent bags under his eyes. Every time Keith looked at them he got vague visions of tears setting within their crevices, though he wasn’t sure why. Overall though, the blue paladin was in good spirits.

Their bickering returned in full force, yet in contained a newfound sense of _need_ to it. The two had been without these jabs for too long, both knew it, and the deficit needed to be repaid.

“I’m stronger than you now, you know.”

“Well yeah, asshat, I’ve been out of commission for quite a while, if you hadn’t noticed.”

Ah yes, that signature smirk. Keith didn’t realize how much he had missed it. “Doesn’t matter. I’d kick your ass even if you’d been training nonstop for the last few months.”

Months?

“Lance, have I….really been out for that long?”

The blue paladin’s face contorted into too many emotions – guilt, regret, sadness, and longing, all at once. “Yeah. It’s been…..a few months.” A darkness shadowed over his face, and Keith felt sick.

“I’m so sorry, I-“

“Don’t say that. You’re back now. You’re ok. That’s all that matters.”

They sat in silence for the rest of the day.

\--

“Your stubble. You should grow it out again sometime.”

Lance looked up from the pile of cards he was fiddling around with.

“What stubble? I’ve always been this smooth-faced Casanova you see before you now.”

Idiot. “When I fell out of the pod. I saw it. For curiosity’s sake, I want to see it again.”

“Say please, and I just might.”

Keith groaned, and went back to his drawing.

\--

“Maybe I should see your stubble first. Just as a trade-sies kinda thing.”

Keith didn’t even look up from his food. “What are you talking about?”

“The other day. You’d mentioned you wanted to see my glorious facial hair. And I was thinking about it, _not for your sake, mind you_ , and I realized that I’d never seen yours. So how about this – I grow mine out, you grow yours. Best beard wins.”

Keith flinched and for a split moment, his instincts pulled him to punch the wall.

But he didn’t. He just turned away, his face contorted in pain.

“Keith, are you ok? Do I need to get you some medicine-“

“I’m fine. Leave me alone.”

He knew that Lance probably had that sad, pitiful look on his face that made Keith’s insides burn. But he couldn’t help it. Everything was too much right now.

He heard the metal door slide shut, but he refused to look up.

\--

“Hunk, does he know?”

The heavyset man (now more muscle than fat, Keith noted) set his breakfast down on the stool next to his bed. Empathetic as always, he knew exactly what Keith was talking about.

“No, he doesn’t. Any chance he could’ve…..seen it, when we were fixing you up, he chose to be absent. Can’t say I blame him. It was…..hard to look at.”

“Oh.”

Hunk elected to pick up the dirty places that were scattered among the room, tidying up here-and-there along the way.

“I’m not one to interfere in personal matters, but….maybe it’s time. To tell him, y’know.”

Hunk looked at him, his never-ending sympathy shining in his eyes, and Keith gulped. Hunk was always right.

“Maybe it is.”

\--

Finally, _finally_ , he was allowed to train, and Keith was ecstatic.

He wasn’t even close to the level of ability he was before the accident, and that was absolutely aggravating, but he knew this was his choice - at least he was alive, despite it all. Nowhere to go but up.

Lance leaned against the balcony and lazily shot in Keith’s direction, whistling all the way. Keith was still too weak to properly use his bayard, but at least he could dodge and roll for cover, and if it meant he could have company while training, he was fine with it.

The whistling was a little annoying, though. “Could you at least _try_ to take this seriously?”

If anything, that made him whistle louder. “I can take it seriously and work on my talents at the same time. I bet you love it anyways.”

“Oh, shut up!” He barely rolled out of the way of the shot, his joints creaking in discomfort. “Whistling isn’t a talent.”

“Is too! You’re just jealous!”

“Like I’d be jealous of anything you have.” His knees gave out and the shot hit him in the back of the thigh.

Keith wanted to stab the visible concern on Lance’s face. “I’m fine. Don’t stop. This isn’t even that bad compared to what I’ve been through.” And he smirked, feeling _alive_ for the first time in months. It hurt, yeah, but it felt so good.

The concern was still there, but it seemed to fade away as his image of cockiness re-emerged once more. “Whatever you say, Keith. I’ll knock the breath right out of you in more ways than one.”

Keith grunted. Idiot.

\--

Sometimes Keith would observe Pidge tinkering on her robots, more out of boredom and curiosity than anything, and occasionally her hand would slip and there would be sparks and wires flying everywhere and Pidge was squealing and frantically trying to repair the wires before anything went too batshit.

That was how Keith felt when he realized that Lance had been growing out his stubble.

\--

“You really should just tell him, Keith.”

Keith threw his boot in the general direction of the green paladin, who dodged it with ease.

“And how do you suggest I tell him, anyways? He’s already so weird about flirting with girls anyways, this would just make things completely awkward-“

“Not that, you idiot. _The other thing_.”

Keith shot daggers at Pidge. “What other thing?”

“Oh come on. If I glued googly eyes to a vacuum it could see what’s between you two better than you could.”

His face burned with embarrassment. _Oh_.

“And who knows? Maybe he’ll flirt with you more after you tell him the first thing.”

“Oh my god, shut up.”

\--

The blue and red paladins were training again, but this time Keith was on the offensive.

Lance had his shirt off (this was becoming a habit, and it set Keith’s mind on fire) and was ducking, dodging all of Keith’s jabs with the cadence of an experienced warrior. He really had improved since the last time they’d fought.

“Why don’t you ever take your shirt off?” Lance inquired, that undeniable smirk ducking under another swipe. “Not that I care, but I’m sure that Allura would love to see a pair of rock-hard abs that don’t belong to yours truly. I bet she’d love your pecks too.”

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

That comment pissed Keith off more than it should have.

\--

“Have you asked out Lance yet?”

“ _Oh my god, Hunk, not you too.”_

“What? If I glued googly eyes to a rock, it could see what’s between you two-“

“Speaking of rocks, have you asked out Shay yet?”

That shut the yellow paladin right up.

\--

He’d noticed the tension between the two paladins when he was eating dinner, how their glances to each other were cold and rigid. They hardly talked nowadays, and even Lance’s jabs would become surprisingly hollow whenever the white-haired paladin walked in. Sometimes he’d even have the gall to just stand up and leave the room.

Keith recognized his inability to process emotions well, but he wasn’t an idiot. Something had happened, most likely while he was out, and it pricked at his skin with anxiety.

“Did something happen between you and Lance?”

He was never one to mince words, and this was no exception. Shiro sighed, amused at the bluntness of Keith’s comment but aware that he was looking for an answer that Shiro didn’t feel like providing.

“Don’t worry yourself with it. It’s nothing for you to get involved in.”

“Bullshit.” Keith slammed his fist on the table, notably lacking in power but not in presence. “I almost lost my life out there, Shiro, and somehow I got a second chance here. I don’t feel like wasting it away with you two being so cold like this.”

The weight of the world was on Shiro’s shoulders, and this little confession caused him to crack. Atlas couldn’t hold up the sky anymore.

He was slow to start, but once he began speaking, the words flowed with pained ease. “He blames me for what happened out there, with you. He says I should’ve been there for you. And I don’t blame him….I….should have protected you better.” Did Shiro’s voice just crack?

“You know as well as I do that it’s not your fault.” Keith rubbed the wrappings on his bicep, antsy and needing a distraction.

“I know. I know…..once you’re set on something you won’t listen to any voice, not even that of reason.” Shiro chuckled, hollow but with a tinge of nervousness. “I doubt myself, though. Maybe I could have done more.”

“I….” Here it comes. He knew his decision was going to be costly, but that didn’t make him any more prepared for the fallout. “I did what I had to do. You can disagree, but if I hadn’t done that, that planet would’ve been decimated. If you want to doubt anymore, doubt the freak of nature over here.” He was fucking angsty, over his poor decisions and how much he had consequentially hurt his teammates, and it seeped into his tone.

Shiro’s body stiffened in anger. “I’ve told you a thousand times, don’t call yourself a freak of nature.”

“Hmph.”

“Don’t fucking _hmph_ me.” Oh god. Atlas was shrugging the sky off of his shoulders, falling, crumpling under the weight of it all.

Keith had only seen Shiro angry once in his life, back at the Garrison when someone had bullied one of Shiro’s other friends. Those were the only times he swore, too. Oh god, oh god, oh god. His jaw locked in fear.

“You know Keith, I have stood by you for _every_ little thing, I’ve helped you with your problems and I’ve stood by you despite your little pity parties, but this is _bullshit_.” Oh god, oh god, the world was spinning and Keith gripped onto his jacket. He needed to hold on to something, _anything_ , before he was subject to Shiro’s righteous onslaught of words.

“Have you ever apologized to any of us for what you did? You almost _died_. We were all devastated. It took weeks for us to even know if you were going to make it through or not. We went through hell and back for you. And fucking Lance, he basically killed himself watching over you. I had to force him into the shower a couple of times just to make him do something other than cry. Have you ever considered that, Keith? Have you ever even shown any appreciation to any of us?”

Keith was crying. He couldn’t help it, he knew that this wasn’t the time for him to be playing the victim card, but he felt like he was drowning. Like the sky had been shrugged onto his shoulders and he was buckling under the weight.

Shiro’s frown twitched, his instincts kicking in, but he shoved those protective feelings straight down. He was angry at the world, and just for once, he was going to allow himself to act that way.

“I’ll apologize later. But for now, think about what you’ve done, Keith.” He stood up and moved briskly towards the doors, his fists balled up at his sides. “And maybe consider showing some appreciation once in a while.”

The door closed, and Keith drowned.

\--

“I’m sorry I’m preventing us from forming Voltron.”

Allura looked up from her book, but ended up dismissing the concern with a wave.

“We are doing just fine without it for now, Keith. Just work on recovering and you’ll be back at it in no time.”

Keith nodded mutely. The confession hadn’t helped him feel better.

\--

_“You’re a freak of nature, Kogane.” The commander smirked, as if he was enjoying this. “If that even is your last name.”_

_“But sir, I’ve always been a man, I don’t understand what the problem is-“_

_“Don’t bullshit me, cadet. You’d be more of a man if you dressed up in a skirt and talked about makeup. But no, you’re a pathetic outcast. And you don’t belong in the Garrison.”_

_“No! You can’t kick me out! This is all I HAVE-“_

_“You’re dismissed from the Garrison, effective immediately. Your kind don’t belong here.”_

_He was running, crying, screaming. This can’t be happening. This couldn’t be happening. No._

_No, no, no, NO, NO, NO, NO, **NO, NO, NO**_-

Keith woke up to darkness with a scream.

\--

Lance had somehow ended up in Keith’s room again, not even bothering to use excuses anymore.

They were sitting on separate ends of the room, with Keith in his bed toying with his knife and Lance working with the cards again. He was trying to learn magic tricks, and every few minutes Keith would look up to see a flustered Lance, whining about the difficulty of the tricks and the cards spilled all over the floor.

Keith’s entire being was filled with guilt and loathing. He couldn’t stop flipping over the words that Shiro had told him, over and over in his head, until those thoughts eventually migrated to his mouth, swishing along with the bile that had settled there. _“He basically killed himself watching over you.”_ It punched him in the throat and more bile spread into his mouth.

“Why do you hang out with me?” It was a croak, weak and full of angst, slipping out unintentionally. He wanted to shove the words back down his dried throat, but he couldn’t do anything now.

Lance looked up from the cards he was picking up. “Somebody’s gotta make sure you’re healing up. If I wasn’t here, you’d probably be training yourself to death, despite what Coran told you.”

Keith looked sheepish, but his eyebrows were creased in determination. His put the knife on the table next to his bed. “I’m healing fine, Lance. I don’t need a babysitter.”

“Yeah, well.” He grumbled quietly as he finished picking up the cards. “Maybe I do.”

“What?” Keith couldn’t quite make out those last words.

“Nothing, dummy.”

Keith leaned back against the cold metal wall, wrapping his legs in a blanket and groping them with his arms. Everything felt unsettling.

“Why did you do it?”

Lance’s signature smirk had dropped. He was looking at Keith was an unusual seriousness, his mouth forming a thin line.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, why did you jump in front of the robot like that. Without telling anyone.”

Oh boy, not again. Shiro’s disgust was already enough, and now _this_ …….

“The robot was going to destroy those people. It was the only option-“

“No it _wasn’t!_ ” Lance threw the cards at the wall, grinding his teeth. “If you had just told us, we could’ve formed Voltron and it would have been fine-“

“You guys were busy with the Galra infantry! We were spread too thin!”

“I don’t care, Keith, if it meant that you were alive and fine we would’ve all done it-“

“Lance, I _am_ alive and fine-“

“YOU BASICALLY DIED, KEITH!” He slammed his palms against the wall, against the cragged surface that Keith’s multiple punches had indented it with. The guilt was threatening to drown Keith once more, only this time he wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to reemerge.

All he could hear was Lance's labored breaths and his own heart, faint and slow. “I’m sorry, Lance…..I….”

Lance shot daggers at him, his muscles contracting.“Do you know how hard it was?” Lance was stabbing a finger at Keith, his eyes ablaze with fury. Keith could hear the sound of his teeth grinding. “Do you know what it’s like to see someone you care about look like a lifeless doll? It’s awful, Keith! It’s awful! When Shiro rescued you from the lion, you looked so….so….”

Absent of words, Lance elected to grip Keith’s shoulders with all of his strength. “You can’t do that to me anymore, man! Please…..”

If Keith was drowning, he might as well do it in his own tears.

He looked downward, trying his best to avoid eye contact with the blue paladin. “I’m replaceable. You guys can find a better paladin than a freak like me.”

His body tremored. Both because his own body felt like collapsing, and because Lance was shoving him back and forth with no concern for his injuries.

“Why would you ever say that?” Lance was crying at this point, his tears sliding onto his cheekbones. “You’re not replaceable! You’re Keith! My ultimate rival and my friend and my _family_ and I can’t even believe you would say that! Don’t ever say that, Keith!”

“ _You don’t even know me!”_ Keith hissed, shoving Lance away and throwing himself against the wall. “You don’t know me, the things I’ve done, the person I _am,_ I’m a freak and you don’t even know it….”

“Stop it stop it-“ Lance was climbing onto the bed, ripping Keith away from the wall- “ _Stop it stop it_ -“ Keith was face to face with the blue paladin, their eyes coated with pity and tears- “ _STOP IT STOP IT!_ ” His head was on Lance’s shoulder, and the life was being squeezed out of him in a hug.

“ _Stop it, you idiot_ ,” Lance murmured into his neck, openly sobbing. “I care about you so much, why would you ever say something like that, you fucking idiot…”

“What do you mean, you care about me?” Keith’s entire body was rejecting the intimacy he was receiving, too busy trying to drown itself quicker. “I…”

“I mean what I said, you asshole!” Lance had pulled back and was gripping his shoulders again, his hands clammy and sweaty. “I care about you, ok? Like, a _lot_. More than the others. And I…” His lip was quivering. “I don’t know why you’re calling yourself the replaceable one, because _I’m_ the one who’s replaceable. I don’t even know why I’m telling you any of this, but you just make me so angry and I care so much and I can’t hold it back anymore…”

Keith was stunned into silence, and he stared at Lance, mouth ajar. Everything felt still.

“Listen I know that…...” Lance looked away. “….I know that you like Shiro, ok? I’ve seen it. You open up to him way more than you’ve ever opened up to me, and I mean, why wouldn’t you? I'm an idiot, and I’m even more of an idiot around you. And Shiro can basically do everything I can, only better…Shiro _is_ better than me. Why wouldn’t you want him? But I just….”

Lance dared to move a hand up to Keith’s face. His senses were overloading from the touch.

“I know I’m not as good as him, and that I’m probably not good enough for _you_. But I want to be, and I care about you so so much, even if I’m not as good as Shiro I hope that I can one day be good enough for you, ok? I want to give you everything I have and I’m….so sorry….. that I can’t give you more…”

The ice around his joints was melting under the pressure of the heat in his core. He had stopped drowning, and now he was swimming to shore. To home.

“Lance….”

His arms wrapped around the boy in the green jacket and he nestled his face into his neck, his eyes closed. “Please don’t cry….”

For once, Lance didn’t reply. It hurt Keith so much, to see Lance like this, over _him_. At that moment, he knew. It was Keith’s turn to bring him ashore.

Was this really happening? Keith hoped to God it was.

After a silence (too long, Keith mused), he finally found the courage within himself to speak. Gently. “I don’t need Shiro, Lance….I don’t..." He hesitated, before reaching up to touch his hair. "I don't even want what Shiro has to give. I want…”

He poked Lance in the chest, and smiled. No, he _beamed_. Surprised, Lance pulled back, looking at the finger for a few moments. Then he looked at Keith. Then back to the finger, then back at Keith, then the finger, then Keith….

And he grinned.

Lance nestled into Keith’s neck once more, wrapping his arms around the frail boy. Keith returned the affection, his arms lazily resting on the brown-haired boy’s back. He could feel the grin on his neck, emitting warmth into his veins, and his smile was almost permanently plastered to his own mouth.

They sat there like that, embracing each other sloppily, for hours. Keith began tracing circles onto Lance’s back, and he could feel the other lightly stroking his hair. It felt like the end of a story in sore need of a finale.

“Don’t ever do something that stupid again, Keith.” He murmured, barely audible, into the skin.

“Do what? Fall in love with an idiot like you?”

The seriousness of the statement flowed out of the atmosphere, and he cackled. It sounded like summer blossoms. “I bet I liked you first.”

“Oh my god, _really Lance_ -“

“Hey! The moment you put your hair up like that, I knew I was a goner.” The hand in Keith’s hair stilled. “I bet it was my beautiful smile that swooned you. How could you ever resist.”

God, what an idiot. He leaned down and planted a kiss on his forehead.

“The smile didn’t hurt.”

\--

“Hey, you know that stubble you’ve been growing out?”

Lance feigned ignorance, stroking his meek facial hair with surprise. “Oh this majestic mane? Why, I’d hardly noticed.”

“Well, dummy, it looks terrible.” He lied. “Go back to your normal face.”

“How could you say such hideous things?” Lance put his wrist against his forehead and pretended to swoon. “My beautiful hair that I had been working on for days-“

“Lance, that took you 3 weeks to grow and it’s barely a centimeter long-“

“Doth thou have no decency?” He fell into Keith, who scrambled to catch him in time.

“I have decency, and you can’t grow facial fair. Off it goes, McClain.”

He wanted to slap that shit-eating grin that appeared on Lance’s face. “You just wanna kiss my nice, clean face, don’t you pumpkin?”

Keith dropped Lance onto the ground, his entire body flushing with red. “I hate you so much.”

\--

It was after the third time of pushing Lance’s hands away from his chest that he realized he couldn’t hide it anymore.

He knew his fears were completely irrational. Lance had accepted Pidge, and hell he even used the proper _pronouns_ (they changed on a weekly basis) when asked. Besides, Lance cared about him. This wouldn’t change anything. Right?

He couldn’t get the image of the Commander out of his mind. The man who’d called him a freak, made him realize he _was_ a freak. It haunted him, provided him with emotional baggage that he’d had to carry for years. Maybe it was time to ease the burden on himself.

But was it fair to place that on Lance? He wasn’t sure. I mean, he’d told everyone else on board, so maybe the burden wasn’t _that_ heavy anymore, and Lance had been so nice about all of his other problems at this point. But still…..

“You ok, pretty boy?” Lance looked down at the red boy, a loose concern etched into him. His hands were slowly combing through Keith’s mullet, a habit that both had learned to love. “Don’t tell me you’re brooding during our special cuddle time.”

Keith elected to remain silent. It was a surefire way for Lance to know that yes, he was serious right now, without him having to get tonguetied about it.

“Ah. I see. Sorry.” Lance hooked a finger under Keith’s chin and tilted it upwards, forcing him to make eye contact. “What’s on your mind?”

Afraid, Keith broke the eye contact. He gripped the bedsheets tighter, his mouth suddenly dry.

“Hey,” Lance whispered, using his hand to cup his face instead. “You can tell me anything. I won’t be an asshat about it. Promise.”

“You never make promises.”

“Guess that means you’re THAT important.”

Keith resigned himself. He was so sweet, but Keith was so _frightened._ Lance could sense his trepidation from a mile away.

“Why not write it out?”

Keith looked up from his chest, stiff and confused.

“I mean, I know that sometimes you have a hard time talking about stuff, so why not write it? I guess. Maybe it’s dumb. But you could use your finger, and I don’t know, write it on my chest. Maybe that will be easier for you.”

Keith raised his eyebrows. The idea was actually quite comforting – he was always better with his hands than his words.

“Ok.”

He tucked his head down, sticking out his pointer finger and laying it on Lance’s chest. It shook slightly, wrinking the thin shirt.

One letter. _I._ Second letter. _A._ Third letter. _M._ And on and on and on….

The feel of the shirt was soothing against his fingertip, but it only worked slight wonders. Keith was tense enough that if Lance so much as flinched he’d probably shoot up like a spring and run away. But he endeavored, not because he wanted to, be because he had to.

_I_

_A_

_M_

_T_

_R_

_A_

_N_

_S_

_G_ –

Lance’s eyebrows were so high they could’ve shot through the roof.

A noiseless gasp escaped the boy, and Keith instinctively curled up into a ball, awaiting the consequences. Of course he shouldn’t have told him. He wanted to believe, he really did, but in the end Keith was a freak, a freak who defied biology, and Lance knew that and it was all so much, too much-

“Hey, come on, it’s ok. Look up at me.”

Keith didn’t want to. He couldn’t.

Gently, the taller boy placed a hand on his back, rubbing it softly. “It’s ok! I promise. See? I promised again. I want to see your pretty face.”

Wearily, ready to jump at any sign of disapproval, Keith looked up.

What he saw was a smiling Lance, warm and hopeful and _approving_.

“I like who you are Keith,” he grinned, moving his other hand to brush his hair with his fingers. “Transgender and all. It doesn’t matter to me.”

Keith buried his face into the olive-skinned boy’s shirt and cried.

“I’ve been hurt before Lance…..I’m scared. Just….keep talking to me. Telling me…” He froze, his modesty conflicting with his needs. “Tell me……nice things about me.”

“Yeah. Of course.”

So they spent the rest of the night like that, with Keith curled up against Lance and Lance telling him sweet everythings about what made him love Keith so much.

\--

“Hey, uh….”

They were eating breakfast together, eerily alone. The other paladins seemed to have caught on to their relationship and were trying to give them as much ‘alone time’ as possible (was it that weird?).

“Yeah? What’s up?”

Lance seemed conflicted, unsure. Keith reached over and entwined his fingers with his own.

“I probably seemed like an insensitive jerk about the whole gender thing before you told me. I’m, uh…sorry.” He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. “And I’m still new to this whole thing, so be patient with me, ok? I love it, but I’m an idiot and I don’t know what your boundaries are. So.” He looked down and coughed.

For once, Keith found himself ok with this kind of conversation. In fact, it was almost pleasant. “You’re fine, Lance.” He tried to smile his concern away. “There’s no way you would’ve known. I appreciate that you’re being so nice about this. And,” He smirked, waving his fork defiantly, “for the record, you’re still an idiot.”

“Hey!” Lance slapped his hand away in feigned hurt. “I didn’t just wake up one day and become an idiot. I’ve worked YEARS to be this good at being dumb.”

He laughed, and the tips of his fingers vibrated with sensation. Something about the blue paladin allowed his laughter to flow like honey, whereas before it flowed like lead.

“Thanks for shaving, by the way. It really does make your face more kissable.”

And he leaned over and gave the boy a peck on the cheek, leaving him a blushing mess.

\--

Before, he used to find comfort in the vast stretches of the desert. When he looked out from his lonesome shack, straight in the heart of the desert’s core, he could see an endless sea of sand, gently dancing across the landscape against the blurred blue of the night sky, painted to the ends of the universe with colored stars and planets of multiple, fainted hues.

Now, he would look out into space from the ship, similar feelings bubbling up within him. The sand was replaced by stars, and they danced in his vision instead of at his feet. All of it was fascinatingly new yet painfully similar.

Now, he had a _family_. People who cared about him, and hell, who he cared about in return. People who would check in on him in his room to see if he wanted to place a round of space ping-pong, or have him check out their new space inventions, or just sit quietly with him, giving him strength when he lacked his own.

Before, blue signaled the comfort he found in his forced loneliness. Now, blue meant friendship, and family and _love_ , and it meant he’d never have to be alone again.

Red signified everything he was, but blue was Keith’s favorite color.

**Author's Note:**

> God I'm so trashy I would've written more but I got anxious about my writing and decided to stop
> 
> Come visit me on tumblr @gigapoodle and @arcasangels if you wanna talk about shit
> 
> EDIT: OH MY GOD someone made fanart of this!!!!! @ruuari on tumblr made two different sets of sketches ([here](http://arcasangels.tumblr.com/post/148575133831/ruuari-i-recently-read-a-really-amazing-voltron) and [here](http://arcasangels.tumblr.com/post/148575194936/ruuari-more-drawings-of-another-scene-from-a#notes)) and they are amazing!!!! All of you guys who read this and message me and comment on it make me ridiculously happy, thank you so much for all of the support. If you're interested in reading more, I'm currently working on a much more expansive fic called [The Lion's Den](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7514507/chapters/17081132) if you want to check it out! THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH :D


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